time-machine

Dear you :)

Just want to leave a note, and hopefully, months later, we (or let’s just use I here) will go back and laugh at this, and I’ll be like “oh hey, I’ve been there”. I hope I won’t forget how it feels, yet I won’t feel this way anymore. Two different things, right? To remember it and to exactly feel it.

And at this moment, I feel it. I guess I’ve never been this broken.

One should have known this old saying: “you never know what you got until it’s gone”, and apparently one should have known that “it’s too late” does exist. Combine them altogether and one will end up committing a suicide.. No, kidding. Yet yeah, not knowing those things very well equals to killing oneself slowly.

Talking about killing oneself slowly, I was killing myself slowly. I’ve taken all for granted. I’ve missed many things. And the worst part is, I don’t know whether now I’m already “dead” or I keep killing myself slowly. I’m not sure, but one thing I know is that I’m not okay and I won’t pretend that I’m okay.

I don’t want to apologize anymore, and it’s not only because I’ve been saying sorry (and feeling it) for many many times. It’s also because I know it won’t matter anymore, and I don’t wanna make “sorry” a cheap word. And I’ve done hearing that word from you, too. No hard feelings, it’s just we both made mistakes, and we’ve exchanged the sorries. Hmmm. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, sir, I know I’ve been so childish and selfish and I was just that far from perfection. Nobody’s perfect, I know, but I was just simply more than imperfect. I disappointed you many many times, and when I realized everything, everything’s too late.

You know how it feels, sir, willing to turn back time and start it all over again? Yah, 2nd chance is just too good to be true. Or probably, I’ve actually missed those chances, so there’s no more chance left for me.

I understand how I’ve left so much mess that you’ve closed the door and locked it and probably swallowed the key. And I understand, maybe this following words are useless but: “I miss us”

Haha.

Well, I don’t know why I typed those “haha” but I’m not laughing now.

Yeah, I miss us. So much. Too much. But I know, I understand, that though one person feel something toward someone, that someone doesn’t have to feel that way too. So if I say I miss us, or you, you don’t have to miss us too, or me. And moreover, I know, there’s so much we have to learn. There are so many things we should get rid of; those things make it not okay for us to have one more chance.

So I guess, thank you, sir. Thank you that now I realized what kind of person I was and I am. Thank you for “reminding” me, though it should be this way. And there’s so much I should fix, and I’m on my way there.

Don’t get me wrong, sir, I won’t ask you back, no more, or at least not now. I (still) do really want you back, but I realize I still have to “grow up”. I’m with this mixed feeling I can hardly explain. I’ve missed you, I’m missing you, and us, yet I get that “relationship” is a heavy thing for us.

I still hope there’s a place for us someday, I do, but I don’t dare expect too much. But I believe, whatever happens in the end, it will be the best for you and me.

Take care, dear you.

*And that Mraz’ “I won’t give up” is still more than enough to sum up what I want to tell you. :)